My Blog

30th May - Tuesday

My friends saw my blog. She told me. I din know really got people go and read my blog. I wanna keep a blog to remind myself. That’s what blogs and diaries do, right? I know in future time, i’m gonna look at my stupid blog again and laugh to myself. My blog will be another side of me which i’ll never show it to my friends. My sad side. I saw the comment my friend wrote for me. It’s just a normal comment, but dunno somehow when i saw it, it’s kinda nice and warm feeling inside. Since 11years old, i’ve stopped believing in best friends. I don’t trust my friends completely. When i was 11 years old, back when i was still at klang primary school, i was very close to this indian girl(I’m closer to indians and malays. Dunno why)and i kinda told her my secrets. She went and tell the guru hal ehwal murid, i remember her name. Pn Kamsiah… I think…Erm… anyway, she called my parents and mom came. It was bout my family’s secret. I trusted my friend. She betrayed me. Now, I’m ok with her. but i did got into trouble for it. Now, i never hate her. Wat for.. It’s not worth it. Then later on, as i got to Form1, i got very close to a malay girl. She looks like me(that’s wat everyone says laa). And later on, Form2, my grades dropped and i went to different class. As me and that friend is different class, we got apart and i found a ‘replacement’. She was really nice and funny. A chinese girl. We were very close that time, but i don’t wanna have a best friend. She’s my close friend. We’d tell each other secrets and always hang out. We were in the same persatuan. And things start to change when we were in Form3. She became bz with the persatuan thing and i’m bz with my eng society. Her persatuan and the group of people are like gilakan power and jawatan. I was a tomboy and guys would bully me and mess my short hair. I din’t mind. I don’t get angry that easily. But i was kinda sad cos my close friend was ‘leaving’ me.I’m not that active in that persatuan anymore and she’s mixing with her friends. Form4. Changed class. Was in 4Stanum.with Accts,Add maths, chem and physics. There was more guys than girls in my class but i’m always the noisiest and always running around like i own the school. I became close to a chinese girl. She always merajuk but somehow, i always managed to pujuk her. Maybe cos she’d listen to me. and i’m not in the same persatuan as her. My persatuan are all always tak puas hati of something. It’s just a damn fucking jawatan. Why is it people always complain this and that. I heard she got a boyfriend now. Good for her. I’m actually happy for her. Although the guy’s not exactly her type.But oh well, as long as she’s happy. That’s when she was with me the whole time when i broke up with my ex. I was damn sad dat time. Really really liked that guy. But he treated me like shit. But i still like him. Till last year. when i met my boyfriend. I still like my ex, but my bf don’t mind. he said he’d helped me forget bout my ex. it took me 2 years to forget bout him. Somehow, when i think back bout my friends, i think that school friends are the best and the worst. I’m always so good to people, and they treat me like shit. Even now. Although they don’t feel it, cos they’re the one who treat me like shit. They’d call me and tease me. I don’t get angry la, But i got feelings too. I know what is sad and what is happy. How i treat my friends, i hope they’d do the same to me too. I have many friends, but i don’t have best friends. Best friends are so hard to look for. So if i do find 1, i’m gonna appreciate her/him. Right now, my close friend is my boyfriend. Haven’t find a best friend though. I think i’m cursed to be alone. No best friend and be alone. Whenever i get close to a person, he/she will leave me someday. I hope my boyfriend wont leave me alone….

16 May - Tuesday

We had Culture studies. Marion’s the lecturer. She was so cool!!! She said all the SHIT and FUCK words. So bloody ‘yeng’. I love her!!! Muahahahha!!!! She’s so scary but it was great!

15th May - Monday

First day at college with a bunch of new friends. We were all minding our own business and it was computer class. So quiet..Last time, it was so noisy, got Fadzil and Valerius now so quiet. They look as if so ‘good’ people. The other classes people were writting down EVERYTHING that the lecturer was saying. Haih… No need write la.. We know the notes are goin to collect dust, not meant for us to read. Like the Perspective notes.

14^th May 2006 – Sunday

Mother’s Day. Spent the whole day with mom. I didn’t wish her though. It’s kinda awkward. Went to eat dim sum at mid valley with mom, peter and genie. Peter called aunt and wished her mother’s day, so I wished her too but somehow, it’s kinda awkward too. But I did make her bit happier than other days. She was talking to genie about babies and suddenly I’m included in their topic. Mom was telling her how I walked when I was a baby. I didn’t walk like normal babies. There was something wrong with my legs, and she had to send me to a baby center to make me learn how to walk. I don’t remember any of those. To think back now, I had a sad childhood. Mom does everything. Dad don’t like me and never bother about me. I know that time, mom loves me very much. Mom took me in without letting dad know. She took his IC and register as my parents. I heard that told me that time, he was very angry mom did that. So he doesn’t really bother much about me. In my head, mom does all the happy things(and sad things too. Like hit me with a rotan till it bleed, and people would ask about it). Dad’s like never exist in my head. My birthdays, he doesn’t remember and he’s not there to celebrate it with me. When I was 7 years old, mom turned off the lights and bought me a birthday cake. She even bought me a pink bag with Barbie on it. It was so happy. Mom sang happy birthday, and I even kissed her. It’s so happy and sweet. All without dad. I don’t know where he was, and I don’t care. But as years passed by, things have slowly started to change. Mom’s not like that anymore, always yelling and shouting, dad’s still the same, minding his own business. Sometimes I wished my parents are like any other parents, joke with their kids, talk about our lives, hang out happily with each other… but life’s not perfect. I’m glad to have one rather than starve on the streets.

23^rd April 2006 – Sunday

Opened the bandage. The scar is not that obvious. YAY!!! But it still hurts.

19^th April 2006 – Wednesday

The day of my operation. Have to puasa from last night till morning. So I got up, get ready and went. Mom even went the wrong way and we were a little late. Suppose to meet the doctor at 8:30am, but we got there at 9am. I tried to stay calm, message my boyfriend, listen to songs, and I felt better. When we reached there, I’m still calm but my hands are cold. Then the nurse asked me to go to room A1, and I saw another patient on the bed. So I changed and waited for everything. Mom kept telling me not to be afraid but it looks like she’s more frightened than me. Surprisingly, as I waited on the bed, I’m not scared, but it was so damn cold. I was shivering like mad. I was even wondering how cold it is when the nurses came into the room with the doctor. The Malay nurse kept saying “Amoi arr.. jangan takut arr. Takde apa punya. Ini operation kecil. Sekejap sudah ok. Nanti you tutup mata, then you buka mata, sudah operation.” Seems FAST… then they pushed me to the operation wad and I saw so many people. I quickly told the doctor I don’t want injections, I’m terrified of injections and the doctor gave me something to breathe on. It was some kinda gas. I remembered I waited very long time to sleep. I even saw the doctor washing her hands, and she kept asking me to breathe more. I tried but the longer I waited, the smell of the gas got heavier, and the next thing I know, I’m on the bed. But during that time, I don’t remember anything. I woke up feeling dizzy and I saw the things are turning and turning. In my thoughts that time, I was thinking “Eh, I thought I go for operation, how come I’m so selamba sleeping here?” then I wanna touch my lump see if it’s still there or not. As I touch it, MY GOODNESS!!! It was damn bloody pain! Then only I realized I just had my operation. I felt so tired and dizzy so I went back to sleep. I saw the doctor came in and asked how am I, and told me the lump was taken out, bla bla bla… he even asked if I wanna see it or not. I don’t wanna see it. It’s disgusting. I dare to see it on TV, but not the live thing, esp if it’s IN my body. Mom saw it. She said it’s like ‘tau foo fah’. EWWW… sadly to hear that my insurance can’t pay for my med fee as it’s only 3 months. So mom gotta pay around RM2000 for it. She was kinda upset and I regretted doing the operation. That would really help a lot but too bad. Stayed at the hospital till 4pm. I heard the doctor said she maybe got cancer. But it’s not confirm yet because the report is not out yet. I thought this kinda things only happen in TV, but I realized something, life is unexpected. Like mine, I didn’t know I’d be having the operation. If I don’t ask the doctor to do checkup, the lump might get bigger and I don’t even know what will happen to me.

18th April 2006 – Tuesday

Went out with my college friends. All the while, I tried to have fun and keep my mind out of the operation thing. Somehow, I still think about it. I told 1 of my friend about it. He said it’s nothing, just a small operation, but it’s still scary…

17^th April 2006 – Monday

Went to the hospital to Doctor Pathma. It was so awkward. He’s a MAN! He said need operation. It’s very big. I got scared. What if they’ll be a scar after the operation? What if I die there? What if I can’t wake up forever? I don’t wanna die yet! I haven’t even been to Japan yet! The nurse told me to get my blood sample. I was scared! That means INJECTIONS!!! NOOO!!! I waited there, and the lady was to take my blood sample kept talking to me. She was very nice. I told her I’m scared of injections and she told me not to look when she poke it. My goodness, it was like stabbing a knife into the hand. She asked: How long u’ve known about the lump? Me: (crying)I dunno… She: okok.. try and relax. So, u know how big it is? Me: (still crying)I dunno… then it was ok. Thinking about it now, it was kinda embarrassing.

“Our lovely Melody just passed away”(8:44pm). My cousin sent me that message. I was really sad. I loved Melody like my own dog. Used to bathe her if I go Kepong, and I’d sleep with her every time I see her. It’s so sad. She’s been feeling not well when I saw her on Sat and Sun. but I thought she’s gonna be ok after seeing the vet. But my cousin said if she’s still not eating well, it’s time for her. I heard the dog’s very old. 15 years. And what’s sad is, Melody left after seeing her owner, Linda. Linda’s been taking care of her since she was still a puppy at Australia and then she brought Melody to Kepong. Melody didn’t see Linda for a very long time. And after seeing Linda went back to Australia, she passed away. It’s like ‘I wanna see her before I go in peace’. May you rest in peace with your husband, Jay-Jay.

16^th April 2006 – Sunday

Sent Linda and my aunt to KL Central. I’m still thinking about the lump. What if it’s cancer…

15^th April 2006 – Saturday

We woke up at 8am. Then we went to have breakfast. It’s a buffet breakfast. There are so many things to eat. I’m not the type that who eat breakfast. I DON’T EAT BREAKFAST. But since he already paid for it, I have to eat lor. He already paid RM200 and it’s included breakfast. So I had 2 orange juice, 3-turkey ham, 2 sausages and 1 guava juice. The guava was so yucky. I gave him to drink but he pretends to not hear me. Teruk la. After breakfast, we went back to the room and get some sleep. I was full and when I saw the bed, I lie there and sleep within 5 mins. Then we checked out 2pm. We went to Mid Valley and walk around, and went to food court eat again. We shared an ice cream. He did funny stunts of ‘how to eat ice cream in sexy way’. It was so sissy the way he licked the ice cream. I tried doing it but he said it’s not sexy enough. Tak cukup pompuan. He wanted to get a present for his dad. I’m not sure when. We saw a photo frame and it’s kinda unique. It’s a wooden frame but u can put a lot of pictures in it. I think 4 pics. He went back around 5pm and I went to Kepong. I went to the clinic to check my toe. It’s been a long time it’s like that and I even ask Dr Mary to check the lump on my body. It’s been there for more than a year. I thought it’s normal and maybe everyone could have it. Then the doc told me something that made me worried. She said it’s serious and its big. She can’t confirm it so she told me to go to the hospital for further checkup. If it’s serious, she said maybe have to do operation to take it out.